About Belgium
Being a well-mannered, born and bred Belgian, I have to start off this little piece about our tiny country by saying that the following text is written in jest. I by no means want to imply anything bad about Belgium, which I love dearly. Yes, we regularly make a mess of our politics, can't seem to agree on anything, including whether to split up our country and may have stolen most of our culture from our many neighbors. BUT we do it all with a rustic charm that has somehow even convinced the European Union that our capital is the perfect place for their headquarters. That being said, let's get right into some of Belgium's weirdest facts and customs.
Even though Belgium is about the size of a stamp, apparently it is still big enough to be divided into three regions, three communities (which is clearly something different than the former), ten provinces or 581 municipal counties. And don’t even get me started on what this means for the way we are governed. You have to have a master in political science to understand it. All this to say that Belgium is basically a forty-something, balding, white male with a motorcycle in the middle of an existential crisis. Except most men grow out of this phase. Whereas our country seems to be stuck in a never-ending state of perpetual confusion about who or what it is. Which resulted in us winning – although ‘winning’ might not be the best term here - the Guinness World Record for going the longest time without an elected government in 2010. And then breaking it again ourselves ten years later. Yay us! At least we excel at something, besides producing the highest amount of quality billiard balls in the world (the things you find out when researching an article, ...).
Anyway, Belgium’s ongoing identity crisis becomes quite tangible when you meet a family member living on the other side of the country. Even something as easy as saying hi and leaning in for a kiss on the cheek is suddenly very awkward. Because no one ever knows how long this will go on for. Is it just one kiss? Two? Three? Or even more? No one knows since it depends not only on where someone is from but also on the occasion. So to be safe you had better stand still as best you can and just let it happen. Otherwise you risk moving away too soon and inadvertently getting a peck on the mouth.
One of the only things we Belgians do agree on is how proud we are of our food and drinks. Which is no wonder since we are famous for our great chocolate, waffles, beer and french fries (oh, the irony). However, for a country that prides itself on its great food, our cuisine is severely lacking in class. The kindest word one can come up with to describe our main dishes, is 'hearty'. Lots of potatoes and meat paired with some simple veggies on the side. If it can all fit in one big cooking pot, even better. Lots of salt and huppakee - which is an expression of delight, NOT a condiment - you are set. For the evening that is. For breakfast you can count on every family having their own favourite box of cereal and preferred type of milk (whole, skimmed, dairy-free, ...) ready to go. Afterwards everybody, children and adults alike, head to school or work with their lunchboxes. Those are invariably filled with four slices of bread with a healthy topping and, if you are lucky, also one 'boke met choco' as a treat. And that is it. Every. Single. Day.
Perhaps all our creative juices have been used up creating beers come in so many varieties that it is impossible to keep count of them all. We have about 1.600 different kinds and counting. And every individual beer has its own glass. Which you have to use. Or be branded a heretic. Luckily there are plenty of beer festivals to improve your knowledge and tickle taste buds. If you hate crowds, there are also narrow, scrubby, special beer cafes in every city where you can spend months and months trying to drink every item on their menu. Since in some places a pint - which is 33cl, it is not the UK after all - is cheaper than a glass of water, you don't even have to go broke doing this. Which actually says more about our water prices than anything else. Because no, you can not get free water with your meal in restaurants or bars. No matter whether you want it from a bottle or the tap. Except when you are a dog. In that case you get a free bowl of aqua anywhere. Pets and hugs from waiters included.
When mom or dad don't have time to cook, you go to the 'frituur' (a.k.a. the Belgian chippy) to get a family pack of french fries and one or two 'vlezekes' (fried meats) per person. Don't forget the big dollop of mayonnaise on top. Every Belgian over 5 years old will instantly be able to tell you their favourite frituur-order. This might or might not have something to do with the average ratio of frituur to supermarket being 3 to 1. And yet it is still easier to talk proudly of our culinary legacy rather than the historic sights. After all, our mascot is a bronze little boy peeing water. On your way out of Brussels, don't forget to take a picture in front of the nine huge steel balls suspended in the air. Go big or go home, right?
Another lovely food-related tradition in Belgium is to pass out “suikerbonen” – which litteraly translates to sugar beans - to family and friends who come to visit you and your newborn baby. So not only did you just have to push out a small human, you also have to supply treats for all the people coming to gawk at it when all you want to do is sleep. As if you hadn’t already spent absurd amounts of money on birth announcement cards, diapers, hospital bills and so on. No, when we Belgians can find a reason to include food or drink in the equation, we will. No wonder we often describe ourselves as 'Bourgondiërs' or as the French say 'Bon vivants'.
As our food based habits already reveal, the average Belgian family can hardly be described as distinguished. Yet, we are a very polite and conflict averse people. To us, our Northern neighbours are the rudest people on the planet. Why be direct and risk offending someone when you can just as well say something with a thousand ifs and buts and coconuts. Funnily enough, our civility does not extend to common courtesies in public spaces. For example, you will always recognize a Belgian on an escalator as the contrary person standing on the opposite side of all the other people. In our local stations this translates to a colourful zigzag of young and old, with or without suitcases, bikes and other bulky items right next to them. People in a rush be damned. So you had better take into account an extra five to ten minutes when trying to catch a train in our lovely country.
All kidding aside, Belgium does have some beautiful historic towns and buildings. Like Antwerp, Ghent and Leuven. Just be careful not to use public transport to get to any of them on a Sunday evening since it will be overrun by students returning to university. Yes, you read that correctly, our students all go home every single weekend with their empty Tupperware containers and bags full of dirty laundry. I guess that is the upside of having a country the size of a 2 euro coin. Easy access to mum and dad. And yet we all like to complain about how far everything is. A friend moves 45 kilometers away? Friendship over. After all that is the other side of the country. Especially when you look at it from the perspective of the many twenty-somethings that, after their university stint in the far-off city one hour from their parents house, return to their hometown to settle 'under the church tower'. These are the people who will marry to their high school sweetheart, buy a house in the same street where they grew up and have 2,5 kids by the age of 28. Because renting is officially categorized as a waste of money in Belgium.